December 31, 2004
i went into mom's room this morning to say goodbye, though i know goodbye means nothing but "welcome...you are reborn"... in the scope of eternity.
i left aunty karen's bible by the bedside. i told mom that tina and shelly and i are strong enough - not only to live on, but to live on with joy-filled hearts - in the pursuit of fulfilling our highest and deepest dreams. i told her it was okay to let go...that our only wish now was for her wholeness and freedom.
i told her... that when i used to dream about swimming with whales a lot, the most prominent of those dreams revealed me as a killer whale calf...cavorting with the most graceful strides next to a giant and exquisite mother whale. i felt every inch of her smooth, strong body. my physical presence in that environment was tangible. i knew this matriarch with profound familiarity; in fact i had known her forever, and knew her completely.
i was so very safe in her embrace. even without the vehicle of arms, hands, and fingers with which to hold on, she managed to envelop me perfectly and absolutely within her gargantuan spirit. intertwined, we moved together through seamless lifetimes, rolling over and over like the tides, across endless landscapes and beyond all perceived horizons.
and like the ocean... is heaven. both are defined by the all-powerful force of ebb and flow. inhale and exhale. death and rebirth. both are created of the buoyant property of saltwater. both are made from the substance that fills our bodies, and floods the veins and arteries of our organic world...
...and our bodies in their purest form are tears, which come in waves, and flow for the losses of our loved ones like rivers flow into seas and then again become the rain that bathes our cheeks as we fall asleep on these deeply dark and fluid nights...
i told mom that i believe those whales in my dreams were the two of us. that "someday", in a place where time doesn't exist, and life and death are as easily accepted and honored as our every breath, mom and i would be together again in the flesh. i told her that the night of july 5, 1998, when mom and i were visited by a pod of thirty killer whales off the south shore of san juan island, was the best day of my life. i know now that both those dreams and that day will be the best of my entire existence, material or immaterial. because they represent both the beginning and end of time in the instant of my origin, as i was born of mom's body. it defines the ever-lasting breath i share with mom, within the watery, life-giving walls of the earthly womb.
mom and i will exist together forever in that moment. and into eternity, mom takes with her a part of my own flesh. of my belly, too, she was given life.
one minute before i entered the room again, at approximately 11:35 pm this new year's eve night, mom's spirit let go the body...and off she soared into the depths of a blue heaven we won't ever fathom until it is our own time. mom lost her own mother on the same day 24 years ago.
nothing is real tonight. our minds protect themselves, because if grief were to come all at once, we would surely drown in it.
in my heart though, i feel peace. my heart tells me that tonight, mom lived -and died - through the grandest of all spiritual experiences. from that place, i feel her swishing with ease through the sacred waters of time, continuing on in her passage. i see her embracing her own mother and her sister karen. she will soar always with the ease of anti-gravity on the swells of our prayers for her.
mom is frolicking with her band of beloved angels now...and like the crested caps of whipping waves, she too is dancing.
31.12.05
29.12.05
The END TIMES of POLARITY
Sixth Chakra: Third Eye/Brow. Location: Central cavity of the brain, centered above the eyebrows.Function: Known as the psychic energy cnetre, this chakra is highly active in mediums. It's basis is the intuition faculty and governs our senses. It is the link from which we perceive the higher zones and higher planes. It's essence is within the astral and dreaming worlds. Symptons of a blocked 6th chakra might include Headaches, Blurred Vison, Blindness and Eyestrain.ASSOCIATED COLOUR: Indigo ELEMENT: Light.
This copied and pasted "blurb" is one of the many hits i've made along my internet highway hitch-hiking tour this evening. i've gone from one new, exciting idea to another, by way of following each idea's lead into its interwoven off-shoots.
i highlighted the word INDIGO because i laid down that word in a card game called "quiddler" today. it's like scrabble, but with cards. this word's emergence in the game fascinated me, and fascinates me more now that i have read this page's information; because i happened to be in the back seat of my dad's car, crawling along in blustery, dangerous weather conditions on the highway toward home, when it appeared. the driving was painstaking and nerve-wracking. we didn't have 4 wheel drive, and the wind was so strong, it was causing nearly complete white-outs of snow across the windshield. it was hard to see the road at all.
as we were inching slowly and carefully over one of the bad mountain passes, i sensed mom's presence and protection. i said, "mom is here, and she wants us to know that out roadside angel team is here and working to keep us safe". this is something mom would say, i guarantee you. sometimes we would roll our eyes when mom would mention "parking angels", who would help you find a good parking space if only you prayed to them and remained open for their response; and other such idealistic characters. i don't roll my eyes at the idea anymore. in fact, i am becoming more and more interested in the things mom was all ABOUT. not just what she liked, or whose books she read, but what motivated her to follow her sacred path of goodness and LOVE.
anyway, a few moments later, the sun poked a hint of its glowing essence through the wall of white-gray that had been so nastily blocking our view of the road home. the clouds separated and transmuted into various chunky, fluffy shapes surrounding a widening sun gap. blue sky melted over the landscape, dripping its hope brightly on our windows. thanks mom!
also, i have just recently been reading books by and about PSYCHIC MEDIUMS. the one i am reading now is called "talking to heaven", and was written by james van praagh. i have several more books on order from amazon, including ones by john edward of "crossing over" fame. in the car today as we dragged along the pass, i read the chapter on developing my OWN psychic abilities - in order to communicate better with my mom from the "other side" - and about the chakras' involvement in the process of honing my spiritual skills.
i am also now particularly interested in learning about the THIRD CHAKRA, as this is the one that includes the LIVER. mom's and my connection with each other goes so deep, and permeates every level of my and her existence. one of the most outstanding elements of our "connection", of course, is the LITERAL, PHYSICAL one, in that she took an actual, physical piece of ME - of MY BODY - with her when she crossed over!! i learned today that the third chakra is associated with the color yellow, and is the root of emotional balance, personal power, and metabolic energy. also, its primal essense is that of the WILL. its element is fire.
i was dreading the holidays this year, and i must say, my birthday - on december 23 - was very, awfully painful and hard to deal with. i was dreading christmas even more, but once again - as so often happens lately - i found that my heart was protected from feeling that ultimate pain every minute. instead, i was united with two new friends, a couple - dana and makai - who are those kind of people you connect with instantly and deeply upon your initial meeting. the first day i met them, they and i were "randomly" surfing at the same beach in kona, called pine trees. we struck up a conversation, and found out that dana's dad and my dad KNEW EACH OTHER in CHICAGO about 30 years ago!! they ran with the same crowd and had mutual friends, and even knew each other as acquaintances!! as my mom would be quick to point out, this was incredible COSMIC SYNCHRONICITY! all three of us agreed on that, and so our friendship, from its inception, was founded on the recognition of its specialness. again - thanks mom!
they picked me up on christmas morning, which i tried to move smoothly through without the in-your-face aspect of presents or other commercial or traditional hoopla. my goal then was simply to make it through the holiday with spirit in tact, and have a peaceful day if i could.
and i did. the three of us hiked up hualalai - a forested, mountainous area near kona at up near 6,000 feet elevation. we gazed down into tremendous craters, and marveled at the pleasant crispness of the air up there. we talked about the fact that this year, the birth of jesus, the first day of hannukah (the festival of lights, which commemorates and celebrates' jews' freedom), and some important day on the mayan calendar...all fell on the same day!
i had never once thought about the mayan calendar until makai brought up the subject, mentioning that the 25th of december this year marked some form of "new year" or day of creation. he said that the three words typically associated with this day were "death", "eternity", and "ancestors". i found this quite telling, "cosmically synchronistic", and amazing. as within myself, i had already redefined the meaning of the day, making it about finding new ways of spending christmas with my mom - spirit alongside spirit; spirit within spirit.
since entertaining those morsels of information, i have jumped into hordes of internet articles and websites about the mayan prophecies for the "end times of polarity". (this is the name i give the predicted day of EARTHLY TRANSFORMATION because for one, they do not call it the "end of the world" because its associated connotations are not accurate; and because my mom wrote a poem with this title, which was completely relevant to the discussion, even though it did not relate directly to the mayan predictions). strangely enough, what began my real search was an e-mail i received from my grandparents, whose subject heading was "MAYAN INFO". i thought this interesting because, as i said, i had never learned anything about mayan culture - or been moved to - until the christmas day hike! what really got me going was that the title of the article, which was brilliantly revealed when i opened the e-mail, was "Mayan Elder Info"...THE WORLD WILL NOT END.
This stuff is so incredibly interesting, and combines so perfectly with all the other discoveries my mom has led me to recently. i could not do it justice at this point, as i am barely learning myself. but i highly recommend looking it up and reading about it! just put "mayan calendar" into the google engine, and a million sites with the date DECEMBER 21, 2012 (12/21/12) will pop up. essentially, the mayan prophecy suggests that we are indeed nearing the end times of life as we know it one earth; that we are in a phase of massive transition right now as a species going through spiritual evolution; and that this shift will not be riddled with fire and brimstone and hell's fury coming to singe the sinners. rather, it is going to be a POSITIVE CHANGE, a beautiful change, and that each of us has a special role to play in its unfolding! we are to move away from the darkness of divisiveness and war, and toward the LIGHT within ourselves, for this is where our souls will form a united front and move forward as a collective force.
i find this amazing too, because this was EXACTLY what mom was all about! this was her understanding; these were the - not ideas or concepts - but TRUTHS she understood, accepted, and lived by.
as we come upon the end of 2005, we come to the close to this difficult holiday season - one marked by many sad "firsts" - first b-day, christmas, hannukah, and new year without mom's physical presence. and especially, NEW YEAR'S EVE at a quarter to midnight - the one year anniversary of mom's ascension into realms of higher vibration.
as this day approaches, i am thinking about how i want to further this collective change toward positivity and a healthy future. i want to learn to meditate, and be in the best possible physical shape i can be, so as to open my own mediumistic channels to the best of my ability. i want to bask in the glorious and sacred beauty of hawaii, communing with the whales and dolphins, as i believe they are mediums for spiritual connection tohigher realms. and i truly believe that mom will work with them as a way of communicating effectively with me.
mostly, i will reflect on my amazing mom's incredible wisdom, spiritual insight, and the endless blessing of her complete, enveloping LOVE. when faced with any situation, great or small in importance, i will ask myself, WWJD? what would jesus do? and what would JENNIE do?
in line at the grocery store, she would smile with love in her heart at the clerk who would ring her up. she would ask him how his day was going, and tell him she hoped he didn't have to work all day, so he could go out and enjoy the beautiful day!
in the compant of those less spiritually inclined or evolved, she would humbly approach them as her teachers, and listen to what wisdom their hearts might impart, whether they meant for them to or not.
on a day like christmas, she would make sure that everyone she loved knew that she needed nothing by way of gifts - for WE (her children, her family, her friends) were the greatest gifts god could have given her.
i feel that way about her, and about the amazing people and animals in my life - my dad, sisters, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends - all of whom have helped me survive this year of agonizing grief and heart-sickness. YOU are the greatest gift from GOD. and i am blessed beyond this life and infinite others, to have you...and to have had (and still HAVE) the most incredible MOTHER since EARTH HERSELF.
i hope the new year brings peace and health to everyone's hearts. BLESSINGS.
This copied and pasted "blurb" is one of the many hits i've made along my internet highway hitch-hiking tour this evening. i've gone from one new, exciting idea to another, by way of following each idea's lead into its interwoven off-shoots.
i highlighted the word INDIGO because i laid down that word in a card game called "quiddler" today. it's like scrabble, but with cards. this word's emergence in the game fascinated me, and fascinates me more now that i have read this page's information; because i happened to be in the back seat of my dad's car, crawling along in blustery, dangerous weather conditions on the highway toward home, when it appeared. the driving was painstaking and nerve-wracking. we didn't have 4 wheel drive, and the wind was so strong, it was causing nearly complete white-outs of snow across the windshield. it was hard to see the road at all.
as we were inching slowly and carefully over one of the bad mountain passes, i sensed mom's presence and protection. i said, "mom is here, and she wants us to know that out roadside angel team is here and working to keep us safe". this is something mom would say, i guarantee you. sometimes we would roll our eyes when mom would mention "parking angels", who would help you find a good parking space if only you prayed to them and remained open for their response; and other such idealistic characters. i don't roll my eyes at the idea anymore. in fact, i am becoming more and more interested in the things mom was all ABOUT. not just what she liked, or whose books she read, but what motivated her to follow her sacred path of goodness and LOVE.
anyway, a few moments later, the sun poked a hint of its glowing essence through the wall of white-gray that had been so nastily blocking our view of the road home. the clouds separated and transmuted into various chunky, fluffy shapes surrounding a widening sun gap. blue sky melted over the landscape, dripping its hope brightly on our windows. thanks mom!
also, i have just recently been reading books by and about PSYCHIC MEDIUMS. the one i am reading now is called "talking to heaven", and was written by james van praagh. i have several more books on order from amazon, including ones by john edward of "crossing over" fame. in the car today as we dragged along the pass, i read the chapter on developing my OWN psychic abilities - in order to communicate better with my mom from the "other side" - and about the chakras' involvement in the process of honing my spiritual skills.
i am also now particularly interested in learning about the THIRD CHAKRA, as this is the one that includes the LIVER. mom's and my connection with each other goes so deep, and permeates every level of my and her existence. one of the most outstanding elements of our "connection", of course, is the LITERAL, PHYSICAL one, in that she took an actual, physical piece of ME - of MY BODY - with her when she crossed over!! i learned today that the third chakra is associated with the color yellow, and is the root of emotional balance, personal power, and metabolic energy. also, its primal essense is that of the WILL. its element is fire.
i was dreading the holidays this year, and i must say, my birthday - on december 23 - was very, awfully painful and hard to deal with. i was dreading christmas even more, but once again - as so often happens lately - i found that my heart was protected from feeling that ultimate pain every minute. instead, i was united with two new friends, a couple - dana and makai - who are those kind of people you connect with instantly and deeply upon your initial meeting. the first day i met them, they and i were "randomly" surfing at the same beach in kona, called pine trees. we struck up a conversation, and found out that dana's dad and my dad KNEW EACH OTHER in CHICAGO about 30 years ago!! they ran with the same crowd and had mutual friends, and even knew each other as acquaintances!! as my mom would be quick to point out, this was incredible COSMIC SYNCHRONICITY! all three of us agreed on that, and so our friendship, from its inception, was founded on the recognition of its specialness. again - thanks mom!
they picked me up on christmas morning, which i tried to move smoothly through without the in-your-face aspect of presents or other commercial or traditional hoopla. my goal then was simply to make it through the holiday with spirit in tact, and have a peaceful day if i could.
and i did. the three of us hiked up hualalai - a forested, mountainous area near kona at up near 6,000 feet elevation. we gazed down into tremendous craters, and marveled at the pleasant crispness of the air up there. we talked about the fact that this year, the birth of jesus, the first day of hannukah (the festival of lights, which commemorates and celebrates' jews' freedom), and some important day on the mayan calendar...all fell on the same day!
i had never once thought about the mayan calendar until makai brought up the subject, mentioning that the 25th of december this year marked some form of "new year" or day of creation. he said that the three words typically associated with this day were "death", "eternity", and "ancestors". i found this quite telling, "cosmically synchronistic", and amazing. as within myself, i had already redefined the meaning of the day, making it about finding new ways of spending christmas with my mom - spirit alongside spirit; spirit within spirit.
since entertaining those morsels of information, i have jumped into hordes of internet articles and websites about the mayan prophecies for the "end times of polarity". (this is the name i give the predicted day of EARTHLY TRANSFORMATION because for one, they do not call it the "end of the world" because its associated connotations are not accurate; and because my mom wrote a poem with this title, which was completely relevant to the discussion, even though it did not relate directly to the mayan predictions). strangely enough, what began my real search was an e-mail i received from my grandparents, whose subject heading was "MAYAN INFO". i thought this interesting because, as i said, i had never learned anything about mayan culture - or been moved to - until the christmas day hike! what really got me going was that the title of the article, which was brilliantly revealed when i opened the e-mail, was "Mayan Elder Info"...THE WORLD WILL NOT END.
This stuff is so incredibly interesting, and combines so perfectly with all the other discoveries my mom has led me to recently. i could not do it justice at this point, as i am barely learning myself. but i highly recommend looking it up and reading about it! just put "mayan calendar" into the google engine, and a million sites with the date DECEMBER 21, 2012 (12/21/12) will pop up. essentially, the mayan prophecy suggests that we are indeed nearing the end times of life as we know it one earth; that we are in a phase of massive transition right now as a species going through spiritual evolution; and that this shift will not be riddled with fire and brimstone and hell's fury coming to singe the sinners. rather, it is going to be a POSITIVE CHANGE, a beautiful change, and that each of us has a special role to play in its unfolding! we are to move away from the darkness of divisiveness and war, and toward the LIGHT within ourselves, for this is where our souls will form a united front and move forward as a collective force.
i find this amazing too, because this was EXACTLY what mom was all about! this was her understanding; these were the - not ideas or concepts - but TRUTHS she understood, accepted, and lived by.
as we come upon the end of 2005, we come to the close to this difficult holiday season - one marked by many sad "firsts" - first b-day, christmas, hannukah, and new year without mom's physical presence. and especially, NEW YEAR'S EVE at a quarter to midnight - the one year anniversary of mom's ascension into realms of higher vibration.
as this day approaches, i am thinking about how i want to further this collective change toward positivity and a healthy future. i want to learn to meditate, and be in the best possible physical shape i can be, so as to open my own mediumistic channels to the best of my ability. i want to bask in the glorious and sacred beauty of hawaii, communing with the whales and dolphins, as i believe they are mediums for spiritual connection tohigher realms. and i truly believe that mom will work with them as a way of communicating effectively with me.
mostly, i will reflect on my amazing mom's incredible wisdom, spiritual insight, and the endless blessing of her complete, enveloping LOVE. when faced with any situation, great or small in importance, i will ask myself, WWJD? what would jesus do? and what would JENNIE do?
in line at the grocery store, she would smile with love in her heart at the clerk who would ring her up. she would ask him how his day was going, and tell him she hoped he didn't have to work all day, so he could go out and enjoy the beautiful day!
in the compant of those less spiritually inclined or evolved, she would humbly approach them as her teachers, and listen to what wisdom their hearts might impart, whether they meant for them to or not.
on a day like christmas, she would make sure that everyone she loved knew that she needed nothing by way of gifts - for WE (her children, her family, her friends) were the greatest gifts god could have given her.
i feel that way about her, and about the amazing people and animals in my life - my dad, sisters, nephews, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and friends - all of whom have helped me survive this year of agonizing grief and heart-sickness. YOU are the greatest gift from GOD. and i am blessed beyond this life and infinite others, to have you...and to have had (and still HAVE) the most incredible MOTHER since EARTH HERSELF.
i hope the new year brings peace and health to everyone's hearts. BLESSINGS.
23.12.05
BIRTHDAY LETTER from DAD
I was going to send you an e-mail just before I read this. I was assuming that you were still asleep and dreaming. Obviously you're not, but instead you're, as I suspected you would be today, thinking about Mommie and the wonderous connection between you and her that is your birth and life together. I can tell you, my heart, that you are so right in knowing the beauty and wonder of that day 28 years ago. It is hard to describe the scope of love that manifested between our beings, as we held you with the awe and love that only manifests on the occasion of our childrens birth. And yes, you are right in knowing that the loving energy (for lack of a better term) that came from Mommies heart, through her loving eyes and literally with the Purr that came from the center of her motherly soul was something Magnificent to behold. I have always been in awe of the Mothering love she gave to you and Tina and Shelly and still had more to give to every child she came to know, if even for a passing minute. And she and I are always in awe of you and Tina, and Shelly, the miracles that she bore and loved so selflessly and continues to bathe in love from her place with G-d. Happy BIRTH DAY, my wonderous Liz, We are one with you today, and always, Love, Dad
BIRTH
Today is my birthday. On this day, exactly 28 years ago, my mother bore the divine stabs of labor pain, as I traveled through her body and into the world outside her womb. Twenty eight years ago today, Mom and I met face to face, in the two physical forms that became us in this shared lifetime of ours. And we both spilled tears from the first rainstorm in time. I know we have shared - and will share - countless other lives. "Someday", we will meet again in form, and we will lock gazes, and our hearts will immediately recognize each other. And joy will pour forth from the clouds and from our eyes. And I will feel again the safety of being curled up innocently inside the dark, quiet solace of her nurturing being. I wonder how many baby humpback whales will be birthed of their mommies' giant bellies today? Their birthing season has just barely begun, and many of these new infants will share the same birthday with me. They - the mother and baby whales - will be Her and Me. Over and over again, like their brilliant jumps and arcs and plunges, the mothers will be Her, and the babies will be Me. I am going to commune with the ocean all day today. I will expect of myself only to keep breathing through the stinging pangs of longing for her. I will reflect all day upon the greatness of her sacrifice; her bleeding so that I could breathe. Her agreement with God to accept, with open arms and heart, the All-Mighty depths and heights of Love and Pain that come with being a parent. I will thank God all day for her selflessness and beauty. I will remember my every blessing. I will think about my mom and dad together in the hospital, holding me and smiling, and shining their love's light upon my life, near the winter solstice in Denver, twenty eight years ago today. I will rejoice when the whales jump and play together. I will rejoice in our ever-closer forthcoming reunion. And I will shed thunderous drops on my pillow tonight, as I ache for our bodies to once again be completely intertwined, so that even in the midst of the heaviest storms of any kind of force, all I will be able to hear is the hush-thump of my mom's heart beating against my temple and into my ear...and blending with my own.
21.12.05
TODAY WAS HEAVENLY
today has been a truly sacred, magical day. for one thing, today - december 20 - is both my best friend, harmony's, birthday (she is the one whose mom was murdered a few years ago, and whose baby daughter is - ironically - named serenity); and also the 4 year anniversary of my aunty karen's death, mom's sister. i've begun to use the word "ascension" in place of death or passing. death sounds too final, which isn't accurate. passing sounds passive - as if the "anti-" life force has just come and swept away a soul wilted of its will to live.
both my aunt karen and my mom, though, - in the style of Jesus himself - were risen. their spirits rose from their bodies, moving purposely toward heaven. i once read a quote from a woman about her experiences meditating - consciously transcending her body - wherein she explained the heights of spiritual ecstacy she reached as being so beautiful, so full of pure JOY, that she thought it might simply stop her heart. as if she might DIE of JOY! i remember thinking, that must've been what aunty karen's and mom's experiences were like, of their spirits welling up inside, expanding, expanding, going higher and higher and higher, until their bodies could no more contain them! their spirits were just too vast and free-roaming to be kept in the confines of the physical world!
I will tell you why TODAY was such an amazing day - of joy, peace, beauty and healing. The ASCENSION of spirits revealed itself to my friends and i today in the form of WHALES bursting forth from the womb-like waterworld, sky-rocketing toward the highest part of the universe, where they might mingle with angels for a moment before returning to the here and now on earth! the humpbacks are JUST now arriving for their winter ceremonies of mating, and giving birth to their whale infants, who were conceived a year ago at this time, in the same warm and nurturing waters.
the other night, i was talking to forrest and star - the wonderful base of my support system here - about how my mom was always so great at communicating, in many forms and through many vehicles. in fact, she and i share that ability, and the love for finding abstract new ways of moving through life together since she has crossed over. NOW, she and i travel a strange and beautfiul path that binds the seam between this world and that one; between what information we receive from the senses, and that which pours over us like music, sensless and commanding the surrender of logic.
in moments of synchronistic perfection, i let mom's love wash over me until i am drenched in it - my aching for her presence almost quenched momentarily. my mind open, my soul evolving in leaps and bounds as i move, always closer to her. i had a dream before i came here, after "asking" for "proof" that mom's ascension was part to the higher order...that there IS a greater organization to which all of life AND death belongs. in the dream, i was here, in hawaii. i stood facing the horizon and a pink setting sun. i then noticed humpback whales - thousands and thousands of them - lining up in PERFECT straightness, to my left side. if i was facing west, they were facing north. all at once, out of an almost bizarre stilllness, every single whale - working as one mechanically PERFECT unit - JUMPED about ten feet out of the air...and the whole sheath of them, which darkened the whole sky in a shadow of serene, graceful gray, ARCED in an exact semi-circle, landing the precise distance from my right as they had been from my left.
it was a mind-bending image that is difficult to describe, even in writing. but after the whales became a living rainbow over my wondering head, i knelt down and cried, raising my hands to the heavens, and thanking GOD for the message. the following day is when i got letters in the snail mail from both star and forrest, inviting me with sincerity and compassion to their homes in hawaii. they wanted me to find myself here, in the healing embrace of this whale-filled environment.
anyway, mom KNOWS that the most effective vehicle through which to communicate with me is the WHALES themsleves. When my surrendered spirit summons whales near, i hear her saying, "i, too, have come. my darling girl, i am here with you now in this tender moment, and with every mighty breath you take; every jump out of the dark; every leap of faith, for the rest of your existence.
mom had so much JOY in her heart, she was absolutely overflowing with it. that's why she gave so much of it away. she flung it out freely to anyone with a heart open to its reception, like white doves to the wide open sky. at christmas, new year's eve/the one year anniversary of her AND her own mother's ascension, and in everything i do...i make the effort to live by her example, and spread what joy i find in my heart to all around me. the irony: the more joy we give, the fuller our hearts brim with its all-purpose medicine. mom was truly Christian in that she tried to live in accordance with the heart and motivations of CHRIST. she was a CHRIST-LIKE human being.
JOY is the LIFE FORCE that keeps us going, even in the most crushing of times. i hold all of the memories from the two x-mases i spent with you and micah and your family, cradle it, and smile as its magnificence goes on infinitely toward the outer limits of time.
both my aunt karen and my mom, though, - in the style of Jesus himself - were risen. their spirits rose from their bodies, moving purposely toward heaven. i once read a quote from a woman about her experiences meditating - consciously transcending her body - wherein she explained the heights of spiritual ecstacy she reached as being so beautiful, so full of pure JOY, that she thought it might simply stop her heart. as if she might DIE of JOY! i remember thinking, that must've been what aunty karen's and mom's experiences were like, of their spirits welling up inside, expanding, expanding, going higher and higher and higher, until their bodies could no more contain them! their spirits were just too vast and free-roaming to be kept in the confines of the physical world!
I will tell you why TODAY was such an amazing day - of joy, peace, beauty and healing. The ASCENSION of spirits revealed itself to my friends and i today in the form of WHALES bursting forth from the womb-like waterworld, sky-rocketing toward the highest part of the universe, where they might mingle with angels for a moment before returning to the here and now on earth! the humpbacks are JUST now arriving for their winter ceremonies of mating, and giving birth to their whale infants, who were conceived a year ago at this time, in the same warm and nurturing waters.
the other night, i was talking to forrest and star - the wonderful base of my support system here - about how my mom was always so great at communicating, in many forms and through many vehicles. in fact, she and i share that ability, and the love for finding abstract new ways of moving through life together since she has crossed over. NOW, she and i travel a strange and beautfiul path that binds the seam between this world and that one; between what information we receive from the senses, and that which pours over us like music, sensless and commanding the surrender of logic.
in moments of synchronistic perfection, i let mom's love wash over me until i am drenched in it - my aching for her presence almost quenched momentarily. my mind open, my soul evolving in leaps and bounds as i move, always closer to her. i had a dream before i came here, after "asking" for "proof" that mom's ascension was part to the higher order...that there IS a greater organization to which all of life AND death belongs. in the dream, i was here, in hawaii. i stood facing the horizon and a pink setting sun. i then noticed humpback whales - thousands and thousands of them - lining up in PERFECT straightness, to my left side. if i was facing west, they were facing north. all at once, out of an almost bizarre stilllness, every single whale - working as one mechanically PERFECT unit - JUMPED about ten feet out of the air...and the whole sheath of them, which darkened the whole sky in a shadow of serene, graceful gray, ARCED in an exact semi-circle, landing the precise distance from my right as they had been from my left.
it was a mind-bending image that is difficult to describe, even in writing. but after the whales became a living rainbow over my wondering head, i knelt down and cried, raising my hands to the heavens, and thanking GOD for the message. the following day is when i got letters in the snail mail from both star and forrest, inviting me with sincerity and compassion to their homes in hawaii. they wanted me to find myself here, in the healing embrace of this whale-filled environment.
anyway, mom KNOWS that the most effective vehicle through which to communicate with me is the WHALES themsleves. When my surrendered spirit summons whales near, i hear her saying, "i, too, have come. my darling girl, i am here with you now in this tender moment, and with every mighty breath you take; every jump out of the dark; every leap of faith, for the rest of your existence.
mom had so much JOY in her heart, she was absolutely overflowing with it. that's why she gave so much of it away. she flung it out freely to anyone with a heart open to its reception, like white doves to the wide open sky. at christmas, new year's eve/the one year anniversary of her AND her own mother's ascension, and in everything i do...i make the effort to live by her example, and spread what joy i find in my heart to all around me. the irony: the more joy we give, the fuller our hearts brim with its all-purpose medicine. mom was truly Christian in that she tried to live in accordance with the heart and motivations of CHRIST. she was a CHRIST-LIKE human being.
JOY is the LIFE FORCE that keeps us going, even in the most crushing of times. i hold all of the memories from the two x-mases i spent with you and micah and your family, cradle it, and smile as its magnificence goes on infinitely toward the outer limits of time.
15.12.05
Pure Turquoise
well, in the linear, practical way of things, i am awaiting the beginning of job training. time frame: still ambiguous. but "work" can wait. truly, it can.
whatever the force outside of myself, that protects me and guides my every move through this tsunami of a transition in my life, is giving me this TIME. this is very important time. the experiences i am having here in hawaii are ones doused in dreaminess, embellished with magic, and saturated with beauty. every piece of every day fits into a greater organization that somehow i now understand, and accept without question. i am simply allowing myself the pleasure of receiving the gifts tumbling about in the calm afterward of grief's savage tidal waves. my mom meets me in breath-taking places - somewhere in the ether between earth and heaven - and our spirits enjoy life's divine treasures together.
i have spent the week becoming intimate with waves. finding out how they move and where they break. feeling out their strength. playing in their softly grabbing tendrils of foam. licking salt off my lips and wiping sand off my behind. feeling sun kiss my skin and sea shells crackle under my bare feet. swimming among exquisite tropical fishes. bobbing in the surf surrounded by honu - green sea turtles. (a couple came so close to me they nearly hit their little heads on my surfboard!)
i have been surfing almost every day this week, and though i still haven't stood up all the way on my own board - i am close. i actually felt the wave lift up on the back of the board a little bit, and could just TASTE the promised ride! so begins the surfing addiction i have heard so much about.
today, my friends, chris, po, and i went to a tucked away, still pristine area called kua bay. it is situated in a state park, whose gates are open to cars every day...except wednesdays! we parked at the top of the road - in front of the locked gate - and ran the mile to our destination. MY GOD, the imagery was stunning. i have never seen - or been in - water so purely turquoise and crystal clear. we body-surfed and played soccer with my new neoprene ball on the white sand beach. the day was a dream.
for whatever the next day in hawaii brings, i will close my eyes and thank GOD for the gift.
whatever the force outside of myself, that protects me and guides my every move through this tsunami of a transition in my life, is giving me this TIME. this is very important time. the experiences i am having here in hawaii are ones doused in dreaminess, embellished with magic, and saturated with beauty. every piece of every day fits into a greater organization that somehow i now understand, and accept without question. i am simply allowing myself the pleasure of receiving the gifts tumbling about in the calm afterward of grief's savage tidal waves. my mom meets me in breath-taking places - somewhere in the ether between earth and heaven - and our spirits enjoy life's divine treasures together.
i have been surfing almost every day this week, and though i still haven't stood up all the way on my own board - i am close. i actually felt the wave lift up on the back of the board a little bit, and could just TASTE the promised ride! so begins the surfing addiction i have heard so much about.
today, my friends, chris, po, and i went to a tucked away, still pristine area called kua bay. it is situated in a state park, whose gates are open to cars every day...except wednesdays! we parked at the top of the road - in front of the locked gate - and ran the mile to our destination. MY GOD, the imagery was stunning. i have never seen - or been in - water so purely turquoise and crystal clear. we body-surfed and played soccer with my new neoprene ball on the white sand beach. the day was a dream.
for whatever the next day in hawaii brings, i will close my eyes and thank GOD for the gift.
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