running up the hill, high up and up higher
i felt you in the soles of my shoes
in the fallen flower petals at my feet
in the doves landing on the phone lines
in the lazy glow of late afternoon
in the breeze of island breath across my cheek
in the heart of everything animate
on the boat at sea, way out and out further
i saw you as a mother whale giving birth
rolling upon herself and writhing
rushing with the agony and ecstacy of
pushing the life blood from her
into the greater pool of the world
in the ring of dolphins surrounding the mother whale
i felt your angelic protection
in the grace of their knowing
in the compassion of their purpose
in the feminine wisdom within them
in my chest i fell you beating
beating
beating
always, i feel you beating
beating
beating
29.1.06
TRANSFORMING TONGUES
mom...i am hearing you; rather, sensing and piecing you together at every next twist in the wind and water currents.
you envelop my existence. thoughts of you and love for you carry me through the truest bowels of sorrow; and to the most brilliant points of the highest kind of joy.
YOU ARE HERE to help me grieve the loss of your body.
i am beginning to recognize the synchronistic fibers of the ether that connect me to a past and future of incredible miracles. and from each one, i am forever reborn of your love. i am conforted by the fact that i am still young; not yet spiritually mature enough to understand or "handle" death. i don't need to know what god knows. not yet. it also comforts me, though,to know that you WERE ready for your transition, and that you ARE the beauty that infiltrates and transforms my life every single day.
it makes such perfect sense that the themes most boldly unfolding in my life right now are the following:the tropical warmth of my grandest dreams; light; the stars and planets and galaxies; reclaimation of childlike bliss found in the freedom of play; water; and whales.
i am getting it...COMMUNICATION is the answer. i know, mom, that you were always deeply interested in communication systems and styles. you were part of that whole IT start-up in denver in the early nineties.you got your advanced HAM radio license, and learned morse code. you used your body to communicate uninhibited, pure joy. you wrote incredible poetry and stories. you were interested in UFOs and communication between us and alien life forms. you studied psychic abilities, physics, and metaphysics. you LOVED. you LOVED. you LOVED. your heart spoke countless volumes through the windows of your eyes, always.
the rate at which we communicate - one soul to another - is increasing at an exponentially rapid pace!this explains why the study of animal behavior has evolved into the study of human-animal communication.this explains why physics and metaphysics are soon to be fused into one discipline. this explains why the afterlife is becoming fodder for scientific exploration. this explains what role whales play in the ecological drama - as they are so extraordinarily advanced in their abilities and ways of communicating,with one another, with us individually, and with the human species.
it makes sense that you would bring people into my life that represent the wonderlust to reach the heavens!professor gerald at mauna kea, who embodied the spirit of mark peterson. astronomy lessons from chris. and skies so phenomenal they look at me. they mould themselves into symbols of your continuance.
you envelop my existence. thoughts of you and love for you carry me through the truest bowels of sorrow; and to the most brilliant points of the highest kind of joy.
YOU ARE HERE to help me grieve the loss of your body.
i am beginning to recognize the synchronistic fibers of the ether that connect me to a past and future of incredible miracles. and from each one, i am forever reborn of your love. i am conforted by the fact that i am still young; not yet spiritually mature enough to understand or "handle" death. i don't need to know what god knows. not yet. it also comforts me, though,to know that you WERE ready for your transition, and that you ARE the beauty that infiltrates and transforms my life every single day.
it makes such perfect sense that the themes most boldly unfolding in my life right now are the following:the tropical warmth of my grandest dreams; light; the stars and planets and galaxies; reclaimation of childlike bliss found in the freedom of play; water; and whales.
i am getting it...COMMUNICATION is the answer. i know, mom, that you were always deeply interested in communication systems and styles. you were part of that whole IT start-up in denver in the early nineties.you got your advanced HAM radio license, and learned morse code. you used your body to communicate uninhibited, pure joy. you wrote incredible poetry and stories. you were interested in UFOs and communication between us and alien life forms. you studied psychic abilities, physics, and metaphysics. you LOVED. you LOVED. you LOVED. your heart spoke countless volumes through the windows of your eyes, always.
the rate at which we communicate - one soul to another - is increasing at an exponentially rapid pace!this explains why the study of animal behavior has evolved into the study of human-animal communication.this explains why physics and metaphysics are soon to be fused into one discipline. this explains why the afterlife is becoming fodder for scientific exploration. this explains what role whales play in the ecological drama - as they are so extraordinarily advanced in their abilities and ways of communicating,with one another, with us individually, and with the human species.
it makes sense that you would bring people into my life that represent the wonderlust to reach the heavens!professor gerald at mauna kea, who embodied the spirit of mark peterson. astronomy lessons from chris. and skies so phenomenal they look at me. they mould themselves into symbols of your continuance.
28.1.06
CHANGING FACES
mom, i see your face all over the place. but when i do, i am not looking with my eyes. i am seeing the world through yours.
when i cough sometimes, or hiccup, or say certain words, or stub my toe and yell a particular "you-type" of expletive ("GOD BLESS IT!")...i hear your voice coming out of my mouth. i feel the love that was, IS, and will always be YOU, welling up inside this delicate and fragile body. my senses become only the beginning of a much deeper way of engaging in conversation with you. i am forever engulfed in the grace of your spirit; i still learn from you every day, how to be a good person. and what true beauty is.
yesterday, i saw your face in every other cloud cluster. you were cat-like, shark-esque, mysterious and dreamlike; wavy, hazy, bright and brilliant. you were an infinite stream of vaguely recognizable shapes. you were what rose and set within the soul of the sun.
you were amorphous - the art of dance itself - curling through atmospheres like the passion that poured through your pores when you moved to music in your earthly frame. you are the cooing, savory, billowy color of LOVE.
when i hear music, i think of you. when i laugh, i hear your laughter too. when i cry, i drain your absence from its miserable resting place inside my sorrow-stricken heart. when i pray, i thank god for your life eternally entwined with mine. every single time i take a breath, i count one more rotation forward in my movement toward meeting you at the mid-point between where i am and where you are.
every time something happens, i die because i can't call you on the phone and tell you about it. but then i remember...that you already know. every time i speak to someone, i say what i think you might have said. i do what you would have done. every time i have a choice, i take the highest form of action i can fathom, because i am blessed to have learned how to live from you. mom, you were a master at being human. and now, you are flying in new and higher realms.
every time i cry myself to sleep for missing you, i dream of our reunion. i hold your sacred heart in the valves of my own. i pump the life that composed your blood through my own veins. and it never fails: i awaken the next morning with some subtle, new understanding about life and death, which you must have placed gently into the depths of me while i drifted through the night in some other form.
when i cough sometimes, or hiccup, or say certain words, or stub my toe and yell a particular "you-type" of expletive ("GOD BLESS IT!")...i hear your voice coming out of my mouth. i feel the love that was, IS, and will always be YOU, welling up inside this delicate and fragile body. my senses become only the beginning of a much deeper way of engaging in conversation with you. i am forever engulfed in the grace of your spirit; i still learn from you every day, how to be a good person. and what true beauty is.
yesterday, i saw your face in every other cloud cluster. you were cat-like, shark-esque, mysterious and dreamlike; wavy, hazy, bright and brilliant. you were an infinite stream of vaguely recognizable shapes. you were what rose and set within the soul of the sun.
you were amorphous - the art of dance itself - curling through atmospheres like the passion that poured through your pores when you moved to music in your earthly frame. you are the cooing, savory, billowy color of LOVE.
when i hear music, i think of you. when i laugh, i hear your laughter too. when i cry, i drain your absence from its miserable resting place inside my sorrow-stricken heart. when i pray, i thank god for your life eternally entwined with mine. every single time i take a breath, i count one more rotation forward in my movement toward meeting you at the mid-point between where i am and where you are.
every time something happens, i die because i can't call you on the phone and tell you about it. but then i remember...that you already know. every time i speak to someone, i say what i think you might have said. i do what you would have done. every time i have a choice, i take the highest form of action i can fathom, because i am blessed to have learned how to live from you. mom, you were a master at being human. and now, you are flying in new and higher realms.
every time i cry myself to sleep for missing you, i dream of our reunion. i hold your sacred heart in the valves of my own. i pump the life that composed your blood through my own veins. and it never fails: i awaken the next morning with some subtle, new understanding about life and death, which you must have placed gently into the depths of me while i drifted through the night in some other form.
16.1.06
mom's voice on the wings
mom was ALL OVER the films they showed on my flights back to hawaii a couple of weeks ago...i wrote all of this down in my notebook so i wouldn't forget it and i could tell you about it...
movie #1: Just Like HEAVEN (the name of my favorite song by the cure, and of course, referencing heaven)...
main female character's name: ELIZABETH (Lizzy for short!)
the guy from napoleon dynamite played a psychic medium who could communicate with spirits...
plot: reece witherspoon's character (elizabeth) is in a coma after an accident - she is caught between life and death, but is not ready to cross over. she stays "living" in her apartment, which mark ruffalo's character has moved into since its tenant had supposedly died. he falls in love with her SPIRIT.
the whole theme of the movie: FATE, SYNCHRONICITY, and LOVE
MOVIE #2: "In Her Shoes"
main character's name: ROSE (my middle name)
her sister, played by cameron diaz, is maggie...their mother, whose name was CAROLine (part of mom's middle name), died of some illness.
their grandmother, on their mom's side, is played by SHIRLEY MACLAINE (mom's all-time favorite actress).
their family is JEWISH, and the grandmother character lives in FLORIDA. she has twos sisters, (the girls' great aunts), named JACKIE and ANITA!!!
ROSE is sick of her corporate job, so she quits it and starts her own DOG-WALKING business. she puts her cards in a GROOMER'S shop! she takes her dogs running up the steps of the capital building...this is what i used to do with GUINNESS!!!
in the meantime, maggie has moved to FLORIDA (to live with grandma), and starts her own BUSINESS RUNNING ERRANDS and SHOPPING for the retired jewish folks in florida (which is a GOOD business, by the way...aimeeeee)!!!!!
in one scene, the two sisters are reminiscing about a childhood memory they shared with each other and with their mom...they recalled their mom letting each of them pick out one special gift...one of them wanted a NANCY DREW book; the other one wanted a PUPPY.
shirley maclaine's character's name is ELLa (three of the letters in the name jewELL).
THIS was the second movie i had seen that week (the other one being "rumor has it", which i had seen in the theater with jenny), in which SHIRLEY MACLAINE played the GRANDMOTHER of SISTERS whose MOTHER had died!!
finally...this poem was of great significance in the movie. one sister recited it to the other at her wedding. it is called "I carry your heart", by E.E. cummings. i can clearly hear MOM reciting this to us, every minute of every day...it goes like this:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
movie #1: Just Like HEAVEN (the name of my favorite song by the cure, and of course, referencing heaven)...
main female character's name: ELIZABETH (Lizzy for short!)
the guy from napoleon dynamite played a psychic medium who could communicate with spirits...
plot: reece witherspoon's character (elizabeth) is in a coma after an accident - she is caught between life and death, but is not ready to cross over. she stays "living" in her apartment, which mark ruffalo's character has moved into since its tenant had supposedly died. he falls in love with her SPIRIT.
the whole theme of the movie: FATE, SYNCHRONICITY, and LOVE
MOVIE #2: "In Her Shoes"
main character's name: ROSE (my middle name)
her sister, played by cameron diaz, is maggie...their mother, whose name was CAROLine (part of mom's middle name), died of some illness.
their grandmother, on their mom's side, is played by SHIRLEY MACLAINE (mom's all-time favorite actress).
their family is JEWISH, and the grandmother character lives in FLORIDA. she has twos sisters, (the girls' great aunts), named JACKIE and ANITA!!!
ROSE is sick of her corporate job, so she quits it and starts her own DOG-WALKING business. she puts her cards in a GROOMER'S shop! she takes her dogs running up the steps of the capital building...this is what i used to do with GUINNESS!!!
in the meantime, maggie has moved to FLORIDA (to live with grandma), and starts her own BUSINESS RUNNING ERRANDS and SHOPPING for the retired jewish folks in florida (which is a GOOD business, by the way...aimeeeee)!!!!!
in one scene, the two sisters are reminiscing about a childhood memory they shared with each other and with their mom...they recalled their mom letting each of them pick out one special gift...one of them wanted a NANCY DREW book; the other one wanted a PUPPY.
shirley maclaine's character's name is ELLa (three of the letters in the name jewELL).
THIS was the second movie i had seen that week (the other one being "rumor has it", which i had seen in the theater with jenny), in which SHIRLEY MACLAINE played the GRANDMOTHER of SISTERS whose MOTHER had died!!
finally...this poem was of great significance in the movie. one sister recited it to the other at her wedding. it is called "I carry your heart", by E.E. cummings. i can clearly hear MOM reciting this to us, every minute of every day...it goes like this:
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling) i fear not fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
1.1.06
NEW YEAR LETTER
dear ones,
(keep in mind the name of this blog, "dreaming in real time", as you read this)...
mom's firefly spirit flutters more wildly and happily than ever before...around us all!
i received wonderful e-mails from many of you about burning candles for mom, me, and our family. THANK YOU. and listen to this...
dad, aimee, hannah and i just watched "shark boy and lava girl". granted, it's a sort of chaotically-animated kids' movie. but it had a strong message. it was all about dreams...and making them real. the protagonist in the story, a 4th grader named max, has dreamed up these characters...and the adults in his life are telling him to stop dreaming, so he must go to "planet drool" - where all of his dreams live - and save that world from being eaten by darkness. shark boy is king of the ocean. lava girl can shoot FIRE out of her hands. at the end of the movie, it is revealed that lava girl's identity, is LIGHT. simply and profoundly, she is the LIGHT of dreams.
mom always talked about LIGHT. the all-powerful source of LIGHT. the LIGHT within all of our hearts. the christ LIGHT. the LIGHT of the spirit body. now, out-of-the-flesh, she lives truly as LIGHT.
after the movie, we went into the kitchen to make some popcorn. we realized that the candle dad had lit for mom yesterday was still burning. it is a jewish candle, made specifically to burn in honor of someone who has passed...and made to burn for 24 hours. it says so on the side of the jar the candle sits in. what's interesting is that he lit the candle yesterday MORNING, at approximately 11:00 am. right now, it is 9:00 pm! so, as of now, she's going on 34 hours. WOW!
one more thing...
i just "happened" to be researching the chakras yesterday, specifically because i wanted to find out what chakra included the liver. as the liver is where mom and i are so deeply connected, not only on emotional and spiritual levels, but in the physical plane as well! today, i put "3rd chakra" into an internet search engine, and the first site that came up on the list of many, i chose to explore. on the page, their was an image of a painting, called "3rd chakra DANCER"! it looked like something mom would have on her wall - absolutely. or even draw herself! it was a very colorful image of a dancer, with wild hair in zig zags sticking out from her head at every angle. and next to the image, it said:
"Listen!...FEEL the FIRE...release the passion of your own existence"!
it also said that the 3rd chakra is the center of intellect and personal power, giving us the ability to stay true to courage, integrity, and choice"...AND, its element...is FIRE!
is that an obvious message from mom or what!? i can just see the dream-like glaze of JOY in her eyes, and the beautiful smile across her face, as she says that very sentence. she still says it, to all of us! only now, she can not only tell us...she can show us that light too.
blessings everyone, and so much love,
liz
(keep in mind the name of this blog, "dreaming in real time", as you read this)...
mom's firefly spirit flutters more wildly and happily than ever before...around us all!
i received wonderful e-mails from many of you about burning candles for mom, me, and our family. THANK YOU. and listen to this...
dad, aimee, hannah and i just watched "shark boy and lava girl". granted, it's a sort of chaotically-animated kids' movie. but it had a strong message. it was all about dreams...and making them real. the protagonist in the story, a 4th grader named max, has dreamed up these characters...and the adults in his life are telling him to stop dreaming, so he must go to "planet drool" - where all of his dreams live - and save that world from being eaten by darkness. shark boy is king of the ocean. lava girl can shoot FIRE out of her hands. at the end of the movie, it is revealed that lava girl's identity, is LIGHT. simply and profoundly, she is the LIGHT of dreams.
mom always talked about LIGHT. the all-powerful source of LIGHT. the LIGHT within all of our hearts. the christ LIGHT. the LIGHT of the spirit body. now, out-of-the-flesh, she lives truly as LIGHT.
after the movie, we went into the kitchen to make some popcorn. we realized that the candle dad had lit for mom yesterday was still burning. it is a jewish candle, made specifically to burn in honor of someone who has passed...and made to burn for 24 hours. it says so on the side of the jar the candle sits in. what's interesting is that he lit the candle yesterday MORNING, at approximately 11:00 am. right now, it is 9:00 pm! so, as of now, she's going on 34 hours. WOW!
one more thing...
i just "happened" to be researching the chakras yesterday, specifically because i wanted to find out what chakra included the liver. as the liver is where mom and i are so deeply connected, not only on emotional and spiritual levels, but in the physical plane as well! today, i put "3rd chakra" into an internet search engine, and the first site that came up on the list of many, i chose to explore. on the page, their was an image of a painting, called "3rd chakra DANCER"! it looked like something mom would have on her wall - absolutely. or even draw herself! it was a very colorful image of a dancer, with wild hair in zig zags sticking out from her head at every angle. and next to the image, it said:
"Listen!...FEEL the FIRE...release the passion of your own existence"!
it also said that the 3rd chakra is the center of intellect and personal power, giving us the ability to stay true to courage, integrity, and choice"...AND, its element...is FIRE!
is that an obvious message from mom or what!? i can just see the dream-like glaze of JOY in her eyes, and the beautiful smile across her face, as she says that very sentence. she still says it, to all of us! only now, she can not only tell us...she can show us that light too.
blessings everyone, and so much love,
liz
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