Brain Alive

dad,

it was the night before my first day working at lava java. the date was ("dates were" - as it happened over night between) 4/5/06 and 4/6/06.

did you get the e-mail that was circulating on april 3? people were noting that: at ONE o'clock, TWO minutes, and THREE seconds of that night/the next morning...the precise instant would be: 01:02:03 04/05/06. i got this e-mail twice, and andrea and i had talked about it just before we went to sleep (i slept over at her place that night, and knew i wouldn't be able to sleep well because i had to be at work by 5:15a.m. the next morning). so we hit the hay early - at like 9pm (remember, this was on 4/4).

as i lay in bed, i decided to try and meditate, so that i could relax, and hopefully fall asleep. so i began thinking consciously about two things: (1) a practice i have read about called "clicking the amygdala forward", on a "brain explorers" website. here is an excerpt from this website. the information is really interesting, and VERY significant to the rest of my story...

This is the fourth lesson from Brain Magic by musician and teacher Neil Slade. The book is a one-a-day activity, step by step workbook designed to increase creativity, intelligence, pleasure, and promote access to paranormal abilities.

(from his website):

There are two amygdalae in your brain, one inside the left hemisphere of your brain and one inside the right hemisphere, about one inch inside from the temples midway between your eyes and ears. Point there with your fingers, now. Your brain is in fact divided exactly in half, into two separate although connected right and left halves called hemispheres. Each brain hemisphere gets its own amygdala switch which controls and gives accurate feedback as to how well and how well your brain is working.

These other structures shown here are other internal structures, the brain's "limbic system" (the "mammal brain"), of which the amygdala is part. Additionally, the amygdala is a gateway/switch that turns on the most advanced part of your brain: the frontal lobes.

AMYGDALA CLICKED BACKWARD:
A) Your brain is working poorly and "Life stinks!". Brain energy moves into your brain stem and the small primitive core of your brain- your "reptile brain".
B) Being clicked backward means you are only using a fraction of your potential brain power.
C)When your amygdala is clicked backwards you are primarily computing primitive reptile brain thoughts and behaviors: self-defense and counter attack; fight or flight; basic survival.
D) Being clicked backwards automatically results in negative emotions.

To get things working better (an understatement), and to turn on limitless amounts of creativity, intelligence, and pleasure, you need to click your amygdala forward and turn on "the other 90%" of your brain.

AMYGDALA CLICKED FORWARD:
A) This opens the neuro-pathways in your brain to allow energy to effortlessly flow into the rest of your brain and your magnificent frontal lobes.
B) Your frontal lobes are the entire front 1/3 part of your brain. Hold your forehead. Everything under your entire hand is frontal lobes.
C) Your frontal lobes compute "CICIL": Cooperation-Imagination-Creativity-Intuition-Logic.
D) Clicking forward automatically results in positive "Life is FUN!" emotions. When you control your amygdala and click it forward into your frontal lobes, true Brain Magic happens.

MEMORIZE the paragraphs above. Test yourself by writing down the key ideas on a separate piece of paper- Backward, A, B, C, D; Forward, A, B, C, D.

The brain's advanced electrochemical circuits are controlled with THOUGHT. To click your amygdala forward you don't need any machines, gadgets, pills, nor do you need to sign up for expensive retreats or courses.

Clicking your amygdala forward is like wiggling your finger. Only it happens inside your brain instead of on the end of your arm. Do this: wiggle your right index finger. Easy, isn't it? Okay, wiggle your left big toe. Easy too? Now, locate your amygdala (see chart above). You click it forward using your frontal lobes- IMAGINE that your amygdala is like a click toggle switch- Now "click" the switch forward towards your forehead. There! You did it. It's a thought process that changes how you think, and how your brain works. Click it again. Smile!

okay. so that was the first thing i was thinking of, and trying to do. i kept imagining "clicking my amygdalas forward". ALSO, i was concentrating on a really cool dream i had a few months ago.

in the dream: i was in a swimming pool. the pool was an exact rectangle, divided down the center lengthwise by a perfectly straight line. i was at one end of the pool, my spine perfectly congruous to that center line. and i was head to head - more appropriately, mind to mind, with a DOLPHIN.

his forehead was pressed up against mine, and he began swimming forward, thus pushing me - moving me - backward, down the center of the pool. if the pool had been unzipped, i would have been the zipper, and the dolphin would have been the hand pulling the two halves of the pool together, creating the look of a seamless whole.

in the dream, i explained to a concerned friend who sat on the side of the pool watching, that the dolphin was not acting aggresively. and that what he was actually doing, in essence, was "zipping" together the two seperate hemispheres of my brain, so that i would be able to perceive life and the universe and myself more cohesively; with a unified vision. ironic, because everything about the dream was LOGICAL. all lines were straight, and all movement was along those straight lines. because this is what the human brain strives for - ORDER in his or her world. we want things to make logical sense, so we deal in squares, rectangles, and straight lines. of course, a "line" is only the shortest distance between two points. in this case, the line went from one END of the pool to the OTHER END. of course, we know that in the true physical and metaphysical state of the universe, there are no lines that actually "begin" or "end". they are all actually circles, that connect, and rotate eternally into deeper and deeper cycles. SO - this was the second dream i have had, in which whales and dolphins were present to show me - in a way that would make sense to my still-human mind - that there IS a GREATER ORDER to life, and that mom's ascension was NOT her "end", but rather, her birth into a deeper cycle of existence. and i had both of these dreams after falling asleep to desperate pleas to God for any of this - about mom's illness and passing - to make "SENSE" somehow.

okay - so now back to me, lying in bed, thinking about these things, and attempting to meditate on them. attempting to let that dolphin blend the division line in my logical brain, which divides life into beginnings and endings, into one seamless whole. and as i tried to BE in that place, with the dolphin's forehead pressed to mine, and as i was gently moved backward, i tried to consciously CLICK MY AMYGDALAS FORWARD. lastly, i asked mom to come through and let me know she was with me. i specifically "requested" a signal with some electronic connection - like a light turning on by itself, the fan starting up without the switch being flipped...or the phone. something with my phone. that would be good.

keep in mind, it was still very early, because both andrea and i had to be up before the crack of dawn. so i'm lying there, thinking i am awake, when suddenly, i awaken to find that i had actually fallen "asleep". but it wasn't "real" sleep. it was the very relaxed, meditative state of alpha consciousness. this is the state we fall into when we're taking one of those drowsy naps on the couch in the middle of the day, and we don't even realize we've been dozing until we wake up from our daze! it also happens to be the state of consciousness that dolphins EXIST in when they are resting. because they must surface to breathe, they cannot truly sleep. so essentially, they meditate. they SHUT DOWN ONE HALF OF THEIR BRAINS(perhaps, "click one amydala forward, and one backward, into the 'off position'?); and all of their systems slow way down. their metabolism, heartbeat, everything. this way they only have to breathe every once in a while, so as not to be interrupted during rest. kind of like a REAL POWER NAP!

so...i'm lying on the bed, tossing and turning. andrea wakes up and finds me kneeling on the floor, "sleeping" on my knees, and picks me up, and puts me back in the bed; then she wants to trade me places in the bed, because she says i am practically hanging off the edge of the bed, which i am. THEN MY PHONE RINGS.

i say to andrea, "i'd better answer that, because at this time of night, it's gotta be important. i mean, it's ONE a.m. here, which means it is already THREE a.m. in washington, and FOUR a.m. in colorado (figuring one of those would be the only logical place from which i might be getting this middle-of-the-night call.

so i answer. and i hear a conversation on the other end. i don't say anything, but i am LISTENING...to a conversation between YOU AND NAN on the line! i get the message coming through from mom - that she and nan, aunty karen, their mother...they're all still here, and we can talk to them. and we can USE THE PHONE sometimes to do it - just not in the way our logical minds would have us believe. remember, dad, when you had that "dream" that you were talking to nan on the phone (shortly after she died), and she sounded really happy...well, she sounded happy in this "dream" too. SO THEN I WAKE UP; never realizing or knowing that i had even fallen asleep.

i reach down and pick up my phone, and look at its screen for the first of three times i would end up looking at it that night - each time holding major significance. on the phone clock, the time read 12:01 a.m. i spent several minutes wondering why it wasn't 1:00 a.m. that would make much more sense, and be a much more brilliant point, because in the dream - i thought to myself - i noted that it was 3 in washington and 4 in denver. but then it hit me like a ton of bricks: it WASN'T 1 in the dream, it WAS ACTUALLY 12:00 - BECAUSE WE DIDN'T JUST RECENTLY SET OUR CLOCKS FORWARD, like everyone else did!!! we don't do that here!! oh my god...

so, in other words, i woke up from a dream i didn't know i was having, in which i heard you and nan talking on the other end of the line of my phone...at the PRECISE moment (or one moment later) than my phone had rung in that "dream". are you following me? 'cause there's more. a lot more...

it dawned on me. it was 12:01 a.m. - the clock had - one minute earlier - rolled over to bring forth the next new day: 04/05/06.

i fell back asleep, dazzled by what had just happened. the next time i woke up, i immediately picked up my phone again, expecting nothing less than something way too trippy and synchronistic to be either real or unreal. it was 12:46 a.m.

hmmmm, couldn't think of any significance there. but i knew at that point that i HAD to get up and write all of this down. i couldn't risk forgetting it.

trying to be as quiet as possible, so as not to wake andrea, i tip-toed over to the one place i knew - even in the dark - had something i could write on. it was the 8x10 white envelope that my photo prints were in, and i had set it right there on that chair before i went to bed.

i took the envelope, and a pen from the table that i found by feeling around, and crept into andrea's closet, where i turned on the light, and feverishly started scribbling about the midnight "phone call" from the Other Side. the receipt from my picture order was still stuck, with tape, to the envelope. you know, that's how they do it at costco, so that they can see that you've paid for your merchandise before you leave the store. what jumps out at me? the TIME that my order was picked up:
12:46 p.m. !!!

i laid back down, drifted off for a few minutes, then got up and looked at my phone for the third and final time that night/middle-of-night/morning. it was 1:02 a.m.
not only was this the time i thought it would have had to have been (and would have, had we set our clocks forward like everyone else in the country), in my dream. but also, it was the precise moment (well, exactly 12 hours later) that i had both read about and spoken about only hours ago, for its "numerical significance": 01:02:(03) 04/05/06.

when i fell back into bed, under a moon i noticed was EXACTLY HALF of its full size (like each of our brain hemispheres), my mind wouldn't stop racing. i started thinking in numbers, and although it is virtually impossible to explain it here, i will say this: what "everything" came down to - at the conclusion of every "equation" - were the numbers 0, 1, 2, 3, (and less often, but still prominently), 4 and 5.

(seperating each number, for instance, the number 12 into 1 and 2, and so on)...

my birthday: 1.2.2.3
tina's birthday: 0.3.2.0
shelly's birthday: 0.2.0.3
aunty karen's REBIRTHday: 1.2.2.0.0.1
mom's REBIRTHday: 1.2.3.1.0.4
amma's REBIRTHDAY: 1.2.3.1
(i might add that in the mayans' calculations, december 21, 2012 - the winter solstice of that year - 1.2.2.1.1.2 - is going to be not the "end" of the world - but the REBIRTH of the world; the kind of POSITIVE TRANSFORMATION that mom believed so deeply and truly was coming).

aidan's birthday: 0.3.2.4
gavin's birthday: 0.5.1.2 (also mother's day the year he was born...and, a side note, recall that last year, father's day and mom's birthday both fell on the same day) ----------
alena's birthday: 0.5.3.1
papa's birthday: 1.2.1.4

and so on...............

stay with me here. i'm going to go backwards for a minute...

two days before this one, i had come home to find a note at the top of the stairs for me in star's handwriting. it said, "liz - dentist appointment tomorrow - 8:00 a.m." HUH? what could that be about? although i had THOUGHT a whole lot about needing to go to the dentist - and every time, thinking about it stemmed from mom's (and yours, dad) continual INSISTENCE on our good dental health, and our needing to have regular dentist visits - but i had NOT made an appointment with anyone! i hadn't called any clinics, i hadn't spoken with any receptionists...i had NOT made that dentist appointment!

star and i puzzled over it. she said she answered the call, and the woman on the other end said she was calling to "remind elizabeth about her dentist appointment tomorrow morning". star said, "my name is elizabeth, but i don't have any appointment scheduled". and the woman said, "no, this is for elizabeth kover, not elizabeth star".

the more i think about this, the weirder it gets. and the more i question...WHO ON EARTH could have made that appointment? maybe it was not someone on earth. maybe it was MOM!!?? what other explanation could there be?!

* * *

earlier in the day (back to the day before i started work at lava java - the day i was supposed to have my mystery dental appointment - which i would have gone to had there been any information given about WHAT "CLINIC" to go to!), i had gone to starbuck's for an afternoon coffee. i usually never went in the afternoon, only in the morning on my way to work at the fair wind. i knew this would likely be my last time coming in there too, as the following day, i would start my job at a different coffee shop. i had been really bummed and blue that whole day. when i went to the counter at starbuck's, this young girl - probably in high school - served me. i always saw this girl in the morning, and always noticed that she looked very unhappy. she had never spoken more words to me than "may i help you", and i really thought she might not like me for some reason. but here we were, in the afternoon (closer to her getting off work time, i presumed). she actually smiled, which i swear, i had never seen her do. and she started talking to me, bubbly and bright as could be. she said, "i love your hair! i always say to myself, 'i want to do my hair just like hers!'...and i always wonder what you're doing, where you're on your way to...always alone...and i think of you as the 'workout queen'..........
compliment after compliment, and she was really sweet, and i was glad to see her happier than usual. she explained (without my asking) that she was always grumpy in the morning, and never felt like talking then. i told her it was nice to meet her. and on my way out the door, turned and asked, "what's your name"?...........JENNY (with a "y", i asked). still, the girl's name was JENNy.

also interesting to note: in the past two days, i had had two women introduce themselves to me from behind coffee counters. the first was KAREN (she works at lava java, i met her a few days before starting there myself); the second was JENNy.

anyway...when i left starbucks, i got in my car and pulled up at a stoplight behind a car whose licence plate said "GJV-123". i always look for letter combinations like that - with G's and J's, GV's, etc., and accept them as signs from mom.

* * *
coming back to the "future", it was finally time to get up and start my new job, after a restless and bizarre night of only half-sleep. i arrived at 5:15 a.m., and met the girl who would show me the ropes. her name was paige. after conversing for maybe two or three minutes, sharing the basic "how long have you been in hawaii", and "where did you work before this", questions and answers, i said to her, "this may be a strange question, but just out of "curiosity", when is your birthday?

"december 14th", she said...papa's birthday. i had written it down on the envelope in the middle of the night.

* * *
i took all of this to be a grand message from mom about the ORDER that is inherent in life, even though we are usually pretty much blind to it. just as they say now that physics and metaphysics are one in the same study; i think the nitty gritty numerical formulas that essentially bring us "pi", "negative numbers", "imaginary numbers", lines and rays. meaning, these are "technical" mathematical terms, used to build the complex equations that are inherent in every aspect of the physical world. but think about what these things mean. for example, a "LINE": in math, we think of a line as having two end points; but beyond those "end" points, the line EXTENDS FOREVER IN BOTH DIRECTIONS (until it bends and eventually becomes spherical - since we are in a closed physical system in our universe). and a ray: we may think of a ray as a "straight" line that begins at a certain point and extends forever in one direction. look how paradoxical, though, and analogous to physical DEATH actually being the ultimate (metaphysical) BIRTH: the point where the ray BEGINS is known as its ENDPOINT.

i believe that when our human minds become more like dolphins', and we are thus better able to comprehend the complete, perfect, and absolute UNITY of the PHYSICAL and NON-PHYSICAL elements of the universe, we will be better able to communicate with our beloved ones who have transformed and risen to the higher planes of existence.
another analogy: when we "feel" communication with our hearts, rather than trying so hard to legitimize it in our minds, then we will be able to "get" it.

peter gabriel (birthday 2.1.3) sums up what i am trying to say beautifully in his song, "more than this", which came into my head that strange night of the numbers and brain fusing:

i woke up and the world outside was dark
all so quiet before the dawn
opened up the door and walked outside
the ground was cold

i walked until i couldn't walk anymore
to a place i'd never been
there was something stirring in the air
in front of me, i could see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone
and more than this
i stand feeling so connected
and i'm all there right next to you

it started when i saw the ship go down
i saw them struggle in the sea
and suddenly the picture disappears
in front of me

now we're busy making all our busy plans
on foundations built to last
but nothing fades as fast as the future
and nothing clings like the past,
until we can see

more than this
more than this
so much more than this
there is something out there
more than this it's coming through

and more than this
i stand alone and so connected
and I'm all there right next to you

oh then it's alright
when with every day
another bit falls away
oh but it's still alright, alright, alright
and like words together
we can make some sense

much more than this
way beyond imagination
much more than this
beyond the stars

with my head so full
so full of fractured pictures
and i'm all there right next to you

so much more than this
there is something else there
when all that you had has all gone

and more than this
i'm alone feeling so connected
and i'm all there right next to you

more than this
more than this
more than this
* * *
a few nights later, i had another "dream". it took place in the garage of our house on foothill drive. dad, you and mom were getting ready to "leave". i don't know where you were going, but you were off to someplace else. you both started out the open garage door; and i called you back. i wanted to give you both a huge, long hug. because - i remember thinking - you never know when it might be your last one in this world. that dream reminded me to cherish every minute i have with my dear family and friends, and to tell them/you how much i love you every time i am blessed with the chance. so...I LOVE YOU!

* * *

last night...i was in the house, downstairs, in front of the t.v. i had all of my photo "stuff" - poster board, glue, tape, photos, mattes, pens, scissors, paper cutter, exact-o knife, etc., spread out all over the floor. i had to work on the floor, there was no room elsewhere for such a spread. but i was nervous - kind of paranoid, actually - because i had seen (either) two CENTIPEDES, (or one centipede, two different times), on that floor recently. both times, i had been (thank god, not on the floor) sitting in a chair facing the t.v. and from out of the corner of my left eye, had seen the poisonous creepy crawly beast, creeping and crawling across the carpet. needless to say, i was HORRIFIED. it didn't help matters that star then encouraged me to check inside all of my shoes - and my bed covers (!) - before getting in them!

but sitting there among all of my art supplies, looking anxiously over my shoulder every two minutes for some monstrous creature, i decided that i couldn't live like that. i figured i had better somehow make "peace" with the centipede civilization, if we were going to be sharing a living space. so i looked up some of the spiritual and mythological symbolism of the centipede in various cultures and/or religions. what i found was interesting, and i of course related it to mom, life and death, logic vs. abstract thought, and FEAR. here are a couple of the excerpts i found:

Most of us have heard the story of the centipede who, when asked how he managed to walk with so many legs, could no longer do so, but tangled his legs hopelessly in the attempt to intellectually figure it out and ended up on his back, helpless. This is not unlike the person who attempts to plumb the depths of oriental scriptures. Right away it becomes evident that they consist of incalculable layers, nearly all symbolic in nature. Furthermore, the meanings of the symbols are not consistent, changing according to the levels on which they occur. For example, on one level water symbolizes the mind, on another level the constant flux of samsara, and on another the subtle life-currents known as prana. This being the case, our Western linear mode of thought becomes as entangled and disabled as the fabled centipede. (from the Bhavagad Gita)

Snakes are respected and were regarded as transitory figures. The snake was a powerful force of transitional spiritual energy. Like centipedes, snakes could encourage the growth or transition of individuals from one stage of being to another. As lightning symbols, the sky serpent brought change in weather. Snakes were present near springs and rivers and used in rituals that maintained the vitality of water sources. (from information derived from 4,000 year old petroglyphs in the southwestern united states).

tonight...i stopped at starbucks again for an evening coffee, a sunset, and to read from the latest john edward book i've started reading, called "AFTER LIFE". as often happens when i am reading his books or watching his show, i feel affirmed and validated in my own connective, communicative exchanges with mom. there is always a part of me - the "logical" part - that brushes these experiences off as works of my imagination, or creations of my unconscious or subconscious mind - so desperately searching for signs of her continued existence and presence. but because i am a logical and intelligent person, i am objective and skeptical enough to be very careful about what i believe is "real". and sometimes...many times...the messages i receive from mom - at the precise moments i receive them - are too "synchronistic" and meaningful to deny.

yesterday at work, the SECOND following one of my "little requests upward" to hear from mom, i went into the office to find my paycheck. it wasn't there, but the first envelope i did see was one addressed to:
JENNIE ROSE (yes, jennie with an "ie" - this is rare). and my middle name, rose!

john edward says, "what would you do if someone you loved all of a sudden didn't speak or understand english anymore, but only could speak some bizarre foreign language?...of course, you would learn that language." he also talks about how spirits use symbols, references, and vehicles that we, still here in human form and working within the great limitations of human perception, can comprehend, and which we will recognize, and with which we can connect...so often, i will hear a song on the radio JUST as i am asking for this connective validation from mom. and usually, they are either songs that were very important to mom, favorites of hers, songs and/or artists we shared a love for...or songs whose lyrics, not only describe what her words to me might be, but simultaneously, what my words to her are. it's hard to explain; though john edward confirms this as something he knows to be true also.

...this evening, as i was driving home from starbucks, thinking about mom, john edward, and the complete mystery and wonder of it all, the following song came on the radio. i will leave you with its lyrics - and the message that - i believe - came so clearly from mom, to all of us, through its words.

STAY WITH YOU
by the Goo Goo Dolls

These streets
Turn me inside out
Everything shines
But leaves me empty still
And I'll burn this lonely house down
If you run with me
If you run with me

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

Fooled by my own desires
I twist my fate
Just to feel you
But you turn me toward the light
And you're one with me

Will you run with me?
I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever
I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you

Now come in from this storm
I feel you sweet and warm
Take what you need
Take what you need
From me

Wake up this world
Wake up tonight
And run with me
Run to me now

I'll stay with you
The walls will fall before we do
Take my hand now
We'll run forever

I can feel the storm inside you
I'll stay with you
I'll stay with you