31.5.06

Serenade of the Melon-Heads

For the past month and a half or so, since i quit working for the fair wind, i have been pouring coffee for tourists. yes, i have ended up in the exact place i said i didn't want to be. i don't mean hawaii. i mean a coffee shop, regardless of its geographical coordinates. HOWEVER, i know it has been for the greater purpose at hand. i have JUST very recently realized this. i will explain...

(The following is an excerpt from an e-mail I wrote to Micah a couple of weeks ago...)

...i know how blessed i am to be here. even though my mind criss-crosses every day, and sways back and forth, and changes continuously, i am growing to love kona more and more. i feel like i am at a real "crossroads". like i have to reflect now, after 6 months, and i say to myself, "i either have to dig my heels in now, and decide to stay - in which case, SOMETHING has got to "happen"; you know, some magical door has to open up - yet another door on the path of my dreams - like they always do. OR, i have to decide where to go from here, and go there. but as the days and even the moments of each day pass, and as i get closer to my month-long trip away from here, i feel more and more deeply that SOMETHING GREAT is on the horizon here. you know, it'll be like my freshman year at evergreen. half-way through that year, i decided that the boundless opportunity i had to create my education there was just too much of a challenge. like the uncertainty would kill me, or drive me crazy trying. i was all ready to hang it up, and quit. i felt like i was wasting my time, and (of course) not being productive enough. by april or may, i had applied - and been accepted to - western WA u. in bellingham, where they had grades, and neat, tidy little coursework requirements that i could follow easily.

but then...the internship at the whale museum FELL in my lap. and then it was decided. evergreen was the place to be. my fleeting faith had been restored, and greatly enhanced. i knew it was right - and the rest is history.

well, here i am in hawaii, in that same space, "right before the big 'opening' of that magical door". and i can feel it coming. even though on many days, i "convince" myself that it just isn't going to work here, and that i am destined to either work in a coffee shop in hawaii, or figure out the next move...and fast!!! i convince myself that moving back to denver, and returning to the "dog business" would be best - just because that brought me some sense of security and success.

BUT, i know i will look back on this time, and tell the story much like i now tell the one about evergreen. i will say, "yeah - i was at the breaking point, planning on fleeing the island...when suddenly, and AMAZINGLY - that magical door opened up, and the true "rightness" of this move will be revealed...

the ground here is rich and fertile, a perfect bed for growth. the saltwater surrounding the island stirs the mystical ingredients of creation into a warm broth for divine possibility. but with all of this potential for magic, comes the fear to face something so grand. it is like nelson mandela said, "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." i feel that way about myself, and about myself in the specific context of this island. i know on some deep level that i was meant to come here, and am meant to be here. and that my "wildest dreams" - literally - are going to be realized here. but surrendering to that is frightening, because it takes all the blind faith one person can muster.

it is also represented - as is every major precipice in my life - by my "original whale dream". in the dream, with which freud would've had a hayday, i exited a long, dark tunnel toward the light at its end. once out of the "birth canal", i stood on a tiny piece of solid ground, with the fluid ocean stretched infinitely around me. in the shallows surrounding my feet swam monsters, each one representing a deep fear or sense of ugliness or darkness. i was deathly afraid, and wanted to "go back". of course, when i turned to see where i had come from, the tunnel's circumference had shrunk to an opening the size of a lemon. i turned back around to face my fears. in the distant, deeper waters beyond fear, there were WHALES. thousands of them, waiting to save me...if only i would abandon fear, thus passing through it, and with faith...reach my destined world of beauty, love, and eternal light.

for the past couple of months, i have been clinging to thoughts of leaving the big island as if they were that small piece of land. working in a coffee shop, and feeling lost and homesick, i had just about hung up my flippers and turned toward the safety of home. i was about to make another huge life decision...based on fear, rather than faith. the fear of not being able to make it work here. the fear of it being too expensive, too far away...not "realistic". i almost setttled on, "okay...i will just go back to denver and pick up my pet business again. that was a good thing, and it would be a sure thing, and it would be easy". although somewhere in the farthest fathoms of my soul, i continually found that light of faith: the vision of whales has kept me moving forward toward my ultimate dream.

it has only been in the past two weeks that things have changed drastically, snuffing out the desire to leave kona. making brighter...the magical potential that makes this place so ALIVE and wondrous.

and yes, it has happened from behind the counter at lava java. who knew this coffee shop job might be the launching pad for the grandest "career move" of my life? i sure didn't! but here's how it happened...

it was the day after mother's day. i had felt something in me shift somehow, partially as the product of spending time with chloe and martin, a couple i know with whom i have been doing "spiritual healing work". i see now that this shift from fear to faith that i am experiencing now, is running parallel to the shift from grieving...to healing. and it makes sense. because it is the false idea that life is finite that causes us to fear death. we fear most of all that it is an ultimate separation between us and those we love who have passed. it is in faith, conversely, that we focus on the eternal nature of life. and on the fact that our loved ones who have died have not left us, but rather are with us in ways more intricate and incredible than the physical world can ever allow.

here in kona, the typical, daily grind type of things, like jobs and money and rent, are like the physical world. to us they seem like the most important things to think about, ponder, and worry over, because they are what we see directly in front of us. when it seems that these things are hurdles too difficult to overcome, we give up, not BELIEVING in what lies waiting on the other side of that illusion. i was getting caught up in that madness, and scooching back toward what i thought was "safer". the tangible. but looking past all of that in honor of following a dream, i KNOW in my heart that the dream IS meant to BE!

so anyway, on that monday after mother's day, i was making a latte or something, cursing this menial job under my breath; and said to myself: SOMETHING HAS GOT TO GIVE. something has got to change. that's all there is to it. i am NOT destined to work in a coffee shop my whole life!

just then, i turned around and saw a man, probably in his late fifties or early sixties, standing at the counter ordering food. he had a baseball cap on that said, "dan mcsweeny's whale watching cruise", and when asked by the barista, said his name...was dan. i said, "hey! are you dan mcsweeny? i've heard a lot about you."

i had heard dan's name several times, and he was always referred to as THE major "whale guy" on this island. i had perused his website once, many months ago, and decided not to inquire about work opportunities with his company, i think, because on his site, he said he ran all of his tours himself, and was his cruise's own naturalist.

but i quickly briefed him on the fact that i had a marine education background, and was here - in kona - to find this kind of work. he told me to go ahead and e-mail him my resume. so i did, that evening! he came in the next day, and said he hadn't received it. something was screwy about his personal e-address; so he gave me his office address (something, something, at I-LOVE-WHALES.com...). that day, i sent the resume again, to the second address. it came right back to me. tried again, came right back.

the next day, i was at lava java, but not working. i had my book, and was going to order a bagel and read for a while. up to the table next to me walks, who else, but dan mcsweeny. his stuff was already there, he had just gotten up for a minute to get the newspaper. i said hi, and asked again if he had gotten my resume. he had not. we both puzzled over the communication mishap. though now, i strongly believe that, too, was for a perfectly sound reason.

reason being this: rather than him reading my resume, then calling upon me for a technical "job interview", we made a personal connection first. i wasn't nervous, fidgety about what to say or what not to. we just sat and had a long conversation about both of our favorite topic - whales - over bagels and coffee. he told me about the work he and his fellow researchers are doing, (much of it having to do with mid-frequency sonar used by the navy, and its devastating effect on marine mammals).

throughout the course of the conversation, i told about my schooling, my experience in many different genres of the broader theme: the "human/whale interface", and about how i ended up in kona, and what i dream of doing here. i told him that i want to be immersed in the "whale world", for it to become most of my "whole world", like it is his. also, while we were chatting, as i told him about my wishy-washy feelings about staying in kona, i mentioned that my living situation with star was sort of tenuous. reason being, that since jane died, star has been thinking of ways to make more of an income. and renting out the bottom half of her house (for what she could actually get for it, like $1500/month or something!) is something she will have to do. although at the time of dan's and my conversation, i didn't know just when she would have to do this, or if she might actually have to sell the house, or whatever. but as we talked, dan seemed to be coming up with various ways that we could maybe help each other out...

he mentioned that there might be volunteer work for me, which would involve actually spending time on the research boat, outfitting whales with VHF radio transmitter tags! i would maybe be able to take notes, record activity, or maybe even take photos!!! he also said that, while he was typically always his cruise's own naturalist, that may be changing soon. he wants to spend more time on the research boat, in which case he would have to hire a second captain to run the whale watching boat...and, of course, he would need a naturalist to stand in his place, since he would be on the research boat! he said what he would like to do, is have both boats congregate in the same location (i.e. where the whales are); this way, the whale-watchers would not only get to "watch whales", but would also get the rare opportunity to see - in real time - the current research being conducted in the wild. then...in response to what i had said about my tenuous living situation, dan mentioned that he has a coffee shack on his property in an area of kona called holualoa, which he uses to house visiting scientists who come in to work on projects for periods of time. he has owned the two acres of land on which the coffee shack sits for the last 16 years. at the time that he rented the coffee shack (before buying the land and building his home on it), he paid $25/MONTH for it!! those things - shabby as they may be sometimes - go for as much as $1000/month these days! but his isn't one of the shabby ones. he has completely renovated the inside. and it must be pretty awesome; because he says that had it been the way it is now, then, he would never have built his house! he would've just lived in the shack himself! anyway, right now, a woman named sabre is living there...not for rent money...but in exchange for VOLUNTEER WORK for dan, on his research and with his company. sort of "off the cuff", he remarked that sabre was leaving to go back to oregon in july, and maybe there would be the opportunity for ME to live there, on his land, in the coffee shack...for free...in exchange for work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i mean, come ON! i would PAY to get the kind of mentoring and experience i would get in this situation. being surrounded by some of the top whale researchers, in the midst of their projects...and on a boat, actually SURROUNDED by WHALES, much of the time.

(and just to add icing of gold to a cake made of precious gems...dan also works with an UNDERWATER FILM CREW, shooting scenes for movies like titanic and james bond!!! could any more potential burst forth from this fateful circumstance??!!)

THIS would be IT. THIS would be the ultimate DREAM. THIS is what i have waited for, worked so hard for, prayed for, struggled with every day, fantasized about every night...for the last TEN years. THIS would be the MAGICAL DOOR OPENING to the watery brilliance of my future...

* * *

The following is an excerpt from the e-mail dan sent me after finally receiving my resume. keep in mind that for me, reading the promise in this message was like opening a HUGE, long-dreamed-of gift on christmas morning, for lack of a better analogy...

Wanted to let you know that I picked up your resume at Lava Java. Well done cover letter and you certainly have had a varied sampling of work experiences. Your sincerity and interest in marine mammals, etc, comes through loud and clear. Good for you.

We still have a VHF transmitter tag on a sub adult male pilot whale. The foundations research boat is in a temprary slip at Honokohau Harbor. If the whale re-appears and Sabre (volunteer doing the scanning/matching) hears the tag signal, we will try and go offshore and find it. Ifyou have an opportunity/interest in coming with us, you'd be welcome.

* * *
So...after dan's and my conversation - i think one day later, actually - star told me that the renting of the bottom half of the house was imminent, and that it would have to happen soon. in fact, she would need to rent it out by july 1st. my trip to the mainland is to be from may 31-june 29!! what did this mean? well, on the "surface", it meant that i would have to pack and move all of my stuff within the next week; and that when i came back at the end of june, i wouldn't have a living situation set up (though star - gracious and wonderful as she is - would never let me be on the street!! it just means that i need to figure something else out, and soon!). it meant that i probably wouldn't have a job upon my return, because they will have to hire someone to take my place at lava java during my month-long absence. i wouldn't have any money upon returning, and CERTAINLY not enough to put down a deposit on a full-priced apartment here in kona! for god's sake, you can hardly get a room in a house for less than $800/month!

so...focusing on the "daily grind" stuff you can see and touch: no money, no job, no place to live, no potential window into my chosen career path by this point...really, no way of continuing to live here. i would have to sell my car, and use the money to move back to the mainland. that would be my only choice, i figured. unless......unless i met dan mcsweeny for a very important reason...

* * *

Following are excerpts from the next e-mails dan and i wrote to each other after this point in time:

(from me):

Hi Dan,

Thanks so much for your e-mail.Your positive feedback means a lot to me. And your invitation to join you on the research vessel is an honor. Thank you. I would be thrilled to come along!

I wanted also to talk to you about something else...

Remember when I told you that my living situation was "tenuous", because the woman I live with might have to sell her house? Well, she returned from Thailand a couple of days ago, and informed that, while she is not selling the house, she will soon have to rent out the whole bottom half of the house, (of which my bedroom is a part), for the extra income.

What this means for me, is that I have to move all of my stuff out of her place within the next 9 days, before I leave for my month on the mainland. Luckily there is not much to move. But essentially, the gravity of the situation has become clear, in that when I return, I will either have to stay at a friend's house just long enough to sell my car, and then use that money to move back to the mainland...or, come into a more financially-realistic living situation, which would allow me to stay on the island and continue this journey...

I want with my whole heart to stay here, Dan. And I want to be involved with the work you are doing for, with, and about whales. I don't mean to sound overdramatic, but rather am just being frankly honest, when I say that this scenario would be my life's dream unfolding.

In other words, if (like you mentioned the other day) there might be a way for me to work for you in exchange for a place to live, I would be eternally greatful, and so very ready to begin the work. With me would come my profound passion for whales and the ocean, my intelligence and fresh perspective, my unique background of experience, and my deep desire to learn about our living, liquid world.

We do have to be creative to make it work here in the Islands. But I do believe that an openness to the greater Creative force at work...leads to the creation of wonderful new chapters in this continuing story.

Dan, thanks for everything. Call me when that tag signal sounds!

* * *
(from dan in response):

Hi Liz...thank you for your response. Give me a call and/or swing by the Lady Ann’s haul out at Honokohau Harbor (Gentry’s Marina) if you get the chance and let’s figure out what we can do to solve your situation...

* * *

Well, since this point, i have felt, overwhelmingly clearly, that dan truly intends to help me "solve my situation", which most probably means living on his land in exchange for work...WHALE WORK in the WHALE WORLD!

the day i received this message from dan, my friend megan arrived from atlanta for a week-long visit. she would be here until the 30th. i leave for seattle on the 31st. so...dog-sitting, packing and moving stuff into storage, hanging with megan, dealing with my car that keeps not starting...so much going on...but with this wonderful possibility hovering above like a soft, guiding light, NO DOUBT FROM MOM!

when i called dan, he said to go ahead and have fun with megan, and that we would have plenty of time to talk before i (actually, both of us) left for the mainland. a couple of days later, he actually invited me and megan to go out on his personal boat with him...and "look for whales". well, megan and i had planned on going out on the fair wind, so that megan could experience some world-class snorkeling on her trip. i had secured some comp passes from my friend, jesse, and we were all set to use them on either sunday or monday...unless...the boat was full. well, i had forgotten that we were dealing with memorial day weekend tourist traffic, so sure enough, the boat was full on both of those days. this was a bit of a bummer at first...but of course later, we realized why our not getting on that boat - and instead, getting on dan's - was so specially meant to be...

* * *

we got to the marina at seven a.m., as planned. dan ushered us onto the boat, and we tooled slowly out of the harbor's no-wake zone, into the open ocean. we went off-shore for quite a ways, then headed due south. dan told us a bazillion cool facts about the 13 species of cetaceans in these hawaiian waters. then he went up top to look through his big yellow binoculars, and megan and i stayed on the deck, scanning the nearer horizon with just our eyes. i hung out over the bow pulpit, feeling like a bird in flight. the sun kissed our faces and bodies, and the wind caressed our hair and skin. it felt so good. so, so good to be on that boat...with dan mcsweeny, whale-watcher extraordinaire, who actually guarantees whale sightings year-round, not only during the winter months of humpback season.

we continued south into the blue for what seemed like two hours or more. no sign of any marine life yet. though i just kept thinking about how blessed we were to be there, on the boat, in the beautiful tropical sun, on the water. we were just so very lucky. i thanked god for that, over and over. then i prayed, "god, if you could possibly swing it, though...megan has never seen whales or dolphins in the wild. and i know i am going to be blessed on many more of these trips to come. so please, god, for megan's sake...bring us to the whales"...i envisioned our little tiny boat, bobbing in the center of a massive aggregation of dorsal fins. being serenaded by a chorus of whale breaths. i envisioned it as though i had not an ounce of doubt in my heart that it would happen. it was a joyful prayer, rather than a desperate one. somehow that seemed to make all the difference.

after our long, long journey south, dan began to maneuver the boat back inland. we were trekking east, easing back onto a northward path back home...when all of a sudden, i saw something in the distance. i said, "dan, i don't know if my salt-crusted mind is playing tricks on me or not"; because once you look at the water long enough, every rocking wave begins to look like an undulating fin. "but i see...SOMETHING up ahead"...

before we could pick our jaws up off the floor, we realized, wide-eyed and blown away, that we were SURROUNDED, 360 degrees, by an ENORMOUS pod of whales! they were unusual ones, too. ones i had never even seen or heard of before. dan said, "melon-heads...wow, these are a rare find...and there have to be over a HUNDRED of them!"

dan is on the water 300 days out of the year, and says he sees these whales only 3 to 4 times a year. plus, from the look of bright excitement nestled carefully underneath his scientist-mug, i could tell that dan was blown away too. i don't think he had seen a group THIS BIG before. if so, maybe only once or twice. at any rate - no matter who you were - this would've taken your breath away.

while tons and tons of fins sliced through the shimmering sea around us, tons and tons more chuffed gracefully closer and closer to our boat. the breathing chorus got louder. and then...they were darting around, criss-crossing over and under each other, directly underneath our gaze in front of the boat. we were ecstatic, and just stood there with our cameras, mouths hanging open, shooting away, saying over and over again, "oh my god, oh my god, oh my god".



just when we though it couldn't get any better, any more surreal, any closer to actually BEING the dreams that fuel my every action and belief in life...dan said, "would you like to get a look at them...UNDER THE WATER?"

he told us to slip on our masks and fins, and then just slide into the water and swim around. we did. and the beautiful, alien-esque life forms buzzed, chirped, clicked and squealed all around us. they looked at us, echolocated on our forms, acknowledged our presence. and went on their way, eventually disappearing as mysteriously as they had appeared, from out of the blue...back into its eternal beauty...just like that.

* * *

this was a rare and special privilege. the only reason it was even legal for us to be in the water with them is because dan is a marine biologist, and as such, has the permits for such activites. both he and i took many, many photos, all (at least his) of which will go into a database of over 35,000 images of this species, for matching and photo i.d. purposes. he even complimented my pictures and digital video footage the next day when i showed them to him, remarking that most people only catch the "tail end" of fast-moving underwater animals as they whiz across the lens field.

(my photos will soon be up on my flickr page...and i have to find a site that will allow me to upload the streaming video...anybody know of something like this?)

* * *

just to reiterate the unbelievable magnitude of what appears to be unfolding, in the scope of my grandest dreams in sleep and in life, i give you this last paragraph from dan. keep in mind, as you read this, that killer whales, or orcas, are VERY RARELY ever seen in these waters. maybe once every four or five years, if that, they are spotted this far south. also remember, that orcas are THE most magnificent of ALL animals in creation, in my mind and heart. they are my "totem animal", so to speak. and they are the whales i was blessed to have close encounters with in the san juan islands several years ago...you can imagine the rising of ALIVE-VIBES in my soul at the opening of this e-mail...just at the mere suggestion, the mere possibility...and all of the possibilities that surround what all of dan's recent e-mails imply...

Hey Liz,

No sooner had I gotten back to the harbor and a charter
fishing boat called to report "3 ORCA's chasing after a large group
of dolphins with white lips"! Must be the melon-headed
whales from yesterday! I was toying with the idea of charging
out there (somewhere off Keahou) and tried calling you to see if
you were free but it went to voice mail. I didn't have my
camera and it would have taken over 40 minutes to go
get it, so I regrettably punted that idea.


The last time we saw ORCA they were in pursuit of
melon-headed whales as well. That's when we got the biopsy
sample that matched transients off Alaska. Maybe they'll
stay around the area. Pretty cool huh!

Dan

* * *

So, in conclusion to my little novella here...in five hours, i will board a plane to seattle. between now and then, dan and i are getting together for dinner and a "talk"...to discuss what will happen when we both arrive in konaafter our sojourns to the mainland for the month of june. i will close this chapteras soon as i know how it ends...and how the rest of my life story...is set to begin.

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